A Memo to the Poodle

The dish on the floor, sitting on the antique Persian rug, contains your food. The other dishes, most particularly the ones on the table, are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food or taking a swipe at same with your tongue does not stake a claim for its becoming your food and dish.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. You will be fed within 10 seconds, so please calm down.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. I know families just like ours - - people with two Poodles - - in which the dogs actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It isn't necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but taunting.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to whimper, try to turn the knob, scratch at the bottom of the door, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Please note that I have been using the bathroom for years - - your attendance and assistance is not needed.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's private areas or attend to your own. I cannot stress this enough!

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