Assorted General Humor Pieces

In the barrage of e-mail forwards, from time to time there's a really great piece that deserves to be preserved. These are my candidates. They are all "author unknown."


Number 1 Rules of Grammar
Number 2 Various Laws, Rules, Corollaries, Etc.
Number 3 Guide to Scientific Papers
Number 4 Rabbit's Dissertation
Number 5 English is Tough Stuff
Number 6 English Language Trivia
Number 7 Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill
Number 8 How to Bathe a Cat - New Method
Number 9 Little Known Feline Ailments
Number 10 Teacher and Class Evaluations
Number 11 Bonus Question: Is Hell Freezing Over?
Number 12 Periodic Table of Rejected Elements
Number 13 WalMart Vintage
Number 14 Divine Quality Management
Number 15 Southern vs. Northern College Football
Number 16 Two Southern IQ Tests
Number 17 Translations of Useful Phrases into Latin
Number 18 English Translations of Useful Latin Phrases
Number 19 Prospective Professionals' IQ Test
Number 20 Southern Football Quiz
Number 21 Rhyming with Romance
Number 22 How to Grill Outside
Number 23 Southern Jokes
Number 24 Southern Girls
Number 25 Southern Speak
Number 26 Southern Ten Commandments
Number 27 Forty Things You'll Never Hear a Southerner Say
Number 28 Redneck Etiquette
Number 29 Ten Commandments of Grits
Number 30 Hamlet's Cat Soliloquy
Number 31 Notice to the Curious
Number 32 Hebonics
Number 33 Laundry in a Mixed Marriage
Number 34 You Know You Live in...
Number 35 Floridians' Prayer
Number 36 How You Know it's July in Florida
Number 37 Ordering Breakfast in New York City
Number 38 Warranty Card On Purchased Government Official™
Number 39 An Essay on Southern Speech
Number 40 Installing a Southern Home Security System
Number 41 Southern Field Sobriety Test
Number 42 Pet Diaries

The Rules of Grammar

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don't use no double negatives forever.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: "Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly."
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


Various Laws, Rules, Corollaries, Etc.

Rule of Accuracy:
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy:
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

Action's Law:
Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

First Law of Advice:
The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.

Albrecht's Law:
Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.

Allen's (or Cahn's) Axiom
When all else fails, read the instructions.

Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English history mid-term, your biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

The Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences:
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Arthur's Laws of Love:
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

Atwood's Corollary:
No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.

Avery's Rule of Three:
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.

Bagdikian's Observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.

Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of:
1 - a date,
2 - his wife,
3 - a better looking and richer male friend.

First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

Boling's Postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.

Boren's Laws:
1. When in charge, ponder.
2. When in trouble, delegate.
3. When in doubt, mumble.

Bove's Theorem:
The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

Bowie's Theorem:
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"

Brewer's Observation:
No good deed goes unpunished.

Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Cahn's (or Allen's) Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.

Calkin's Law of Menu Language:
The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.

Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom.

Carlson's Consolation:
Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always serve as a bad example.

Cheop's Law:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Clarke's Third Law
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Cohn's Law
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.

The Law of Communication:
1. The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator.
2. The information conveyed is less important than the impression.

Law of Continuity
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.

Conway's Law:
In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on. This person must be fired.

Cooke's Law:
In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
Corollaries:
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Correspondence Corollary:
An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.

Cropp's Law:
The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.

Cutler Webster's Law:
There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.

Deadline-Dan's Demo Demonstration:
The higher the "higher-ups'' are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.

The Law of Decision Making:
1. Any decision is better than no decision.
2. A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered.
3. Decisions are -justified- by the benefits to the organization, but they are -made- by considering the benefits to the decision-makers.

Denniston's Law
Virtue is its own punishment.

DeVries's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.

Dow's Law:
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.

Drew's Law of Highway Entomology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharm's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough, you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Farnsdick's Corollary:
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

Featherkile's Rule:
Whatever you did, that's what you planned.

Fett's Law:
Never replicate a successful experiment.

Finster's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Flap's Law:
Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.

Flugg's Law:
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, Naugahyde, and aluminum.

Franklin's Rule:
Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed.

Fresco's Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Glyme's Formula for Success:
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Gold's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Goldenstern's Rules:
1. Always hire a rich attorney.
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.

Gordian Maxim:
If a string has one end, it has another.

Gordon's First Law:
If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.

Government's Law:
There is an exception to all laws.

Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.

Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Green's Law Of Debate:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Greener's Law:
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb's Reminder:
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

Gummidges's Law:
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.

Gumperson's Law:
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Hall's Laws of Politics:
1. The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
2. Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed.
3. Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).

Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanson's Treatment of Time:
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

Harper's Magazine Law:
You never find the issue until you replace it.

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Harrison's Postulate:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Hartley's Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.

Lewis's Corrollary to Harley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, you can open his mouth, and you can stick his drinking apparatus into the trough, but you can't make him swallow.

Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.

Hlade's Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.

Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.

Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Howe's Law:
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Hubbard's Law:
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to
..... to .....
........ uh ..............

The Law of Innovation Management:
1. Change is the status quo.
2. Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.
3. A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.

Jacquin's Postulate:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Jenkinson's Law:
It won't work.

Johnson-Laird's Law:
Toothaches tend to start on Saturday night.

Johnson's Third Law:
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.

Corollary to Johnson's Third Law:
All of your friends either missed it, lost it, or threw it out.

Johnson's Corollary:
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.

Kramer's Law:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Larkinson's Law:
All laws are basically false.

Robert E. Lee's Truce:
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgment.

Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Lynch's Law:
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Mason's First Law of Synergism"
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.

May's Law:
The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

Meade's Maxim:
Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.

Mencken's Law:
There is always an easy answer to every human problem --- neat, plausible, and wrong.

Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.

Clark's Opposition:
Those who can -- teach. Those who can't -- find some other less important career.

Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

Muir's Law:
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

Nixon's Theorem:
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

Nolan's Placebo:
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Oliver's Law of Location:
No matter where you are, there you are.

Parkinson's Law:
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

Peer's Law:
The solution to a problem changes the problem.

Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Peter's Principle:
In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence.

First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Ninety-ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

Pudder's Laws:
1. Anything that begins well ends badly.
2. Anything that begins badly ends worse.

Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.

Ralph's Observation:
It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.
Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences - if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Ross's Law:
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor-especially in the dark.

Rudin's Law:
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.

Ryan's Law:
Make three correct guesses consecutivelym and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.

Sausage Principle:
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Simmons's Law :
The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.

Snafu Equations:
1. Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns.
2. An object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
3. Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
4. Interchangeable devices won't.
5. In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.
6. Badness comes in waves.

First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.

The Law of the Too Solid Goof:
In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors.
Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either.
Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.

Third Law of Survival:
To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction:
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Stockmayer's Theorem:
If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's near impossible.

Thyme's Law:
Everything goes wrong at once.

Unnamed Law:
If it happens, it must be possible.

Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.

Weinberg's Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Weinberg's Corollary:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Westheimer's Rule:
To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Example: we allocate two days for a one-hour task.

Whitehead's Law:
The obvious answer is always overlooked.

Wilcox's Law:
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the a**.


Guide to Scientific Papers

The following list of definitions, often used in dissertations, academic papers, and medical research papers, has been amassed to assist in translating "research-ese" into plain English.

"It has long been known"
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident."
These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study."
The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown."
This is the prettiest graph.

"These results will be in a subsequent report."
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience"
Once!

"In case after case"
Twice!

"In a series of cases"
Thrice!

"It is believed that"
I think

"It is generally believed that"
A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude"
Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis"
Rumor has it.

"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings"
A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data"
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomena occurs."
I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my colleagues"
They don't understand it, either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions."
Mr. Blotz did the work, and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study"
A totally useless topic selected by my committee

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field."
I done with this.


Rabbit's Dissertation

SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his laptop. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

FOX: "What are you working on?"

RABBIT: "My dissertation."

FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?"

RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

FOX: (incredulous pause) "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

RABBIT: "Sure, they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his laptop and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

WOLF: "What's that you're writing?"

RABBIT: "I'm doing my dissertation on how rabbits eat wolves."

WOLF: (loud guffaws) "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

RABBIT: "Sure, I do! Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Eventually, another rabbit comes along, and the typing rabbit invites him into his burrow. In one corner of the burrow, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

MORAL:

It doesn't matter what you choose for a dissertation subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is whom you have for a dissertation advisor.


English is Tough Stuff

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how, and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war, and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind, and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load, and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sleeve,
Friend and fiend, alive, and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamor
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangor.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge, and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate, and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm; chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succor, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse, and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, and marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, not preface, but efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but e're.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation - - think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict, and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough - -
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is just give up!


English Language Trivia

No word in the English language rhymes with month. No words in the English language rhyme with orange, silver or purple.

Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters mt.

The word set has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

Underground is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters und.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.

There are only four words in the English language which end in -dous : tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

The only other word with the same amount of letters as pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, is its plural.

There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, therein : the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, here, ere, therein, herein.

Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

To testify was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

The combination -ough can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.

The verb cleave is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."


Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom. Throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Roll pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Get another pill from foil wrap.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto cat's neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.


How to Bathe a Cat - New Method

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Lift seat and lid.
4. Obtain the cat.
5. Soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
6. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet.
7. Drop seat and lid. Male persons should study step 7 in advance.

8. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
9. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
10. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift lid and seat.
11. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

JOB DONE!


Little Known Feline Ailments


by
Sarah Hartwell

Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm, and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS

Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air. Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects, though - - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, usually only after prolonged treatment. This condition is thought to be incurable. Any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

SNUDGING

Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing. Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10-60 minutes after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book, or telephone call.

BED-HOGGING

Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging. Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally repugnant, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized, and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case, a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

NON-SPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION
(also known as NON-SPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)

Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking). Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms, an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenflies. Research into this malady continues.

FUFFLING

Symptoms: The cat lowers its nose into water and exhales. This is followed by whiffling, spluttering, sneezing, snorting, head-shaking, and a generally confused expression. Bath-foam appears to trigger attacks of fuffling in some cats. It may also be linked to interesting items seen in the water, e.g. goldfish, food-crumbs, or greeblingz (see below for study reports on the latter). Fuffling is most common during kittenhood although even quite elderly may suffer an occasional bout. Treatment: None. Snorkelling apparatus or scuba suits are possibilities, but cats do not readily accept such treatment. Kittenhood fuffling generally subsides as the cat grows older, possibly the result of some acquired immunity (or greater common sense).

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME

Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, testing claw sharpness, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone, etc. Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer. Otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable.

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER

Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading, and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously. Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms, although in a number of cats, such treatment actually aggravates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life, and there is no long-term cure.

SMURGLING

Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners' earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, or glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring. Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing, and chapped skin.

GREEBLINGZ

Symptoms: Random dashes, escalating to helter-skelter running, through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities, and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune. Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greeblingz hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.

See also the file on Advice for Cats Who Have a House to Run, Including Valuable Information for Cats Who Have Needlework to Supervise


Teacher and Class Evaluations

Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991
The Best and Worst Comments Received

"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."

"Textbook is confusing...Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fell [sic] asleep in class and awoke [sic] in another? That's the way I felt all term."

"In class I learned I can fudge answers and get away with it."

"Keep this lecturer or tenure board will be shot."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."

"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class."

"Help! I've fallen asleep, and I can't wake up!"

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."

"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - - it's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had. He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"Most of us spent the first 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in."

"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course. I think he started drinking, and it really loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - - spraying in all directions - - no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets than I would have used the text."

"What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality paper.' "


Bonus Question: Is Hell Freezing Over?

The following was a question given on a University of Washington chemistry final. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it, as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat] or endothermic [absorbs heat]?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law [gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed] or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, the mass of Hell is increasing.

"As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

"Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

"This gives two possibilities:

"1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

"2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

"So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, '...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in sleeping with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.


Table of Rejected Elements

Table of Rejected Elements, which appeared in the August, 1999, issue of The Atlantic Monthly.


WalMart Vintage

WalMart is to begin selling wine under its own label. It will be made by E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., and will be packaged in boxes. The projected price will be $6-$8. The name will be important.

Some suggested names for WalMart vintage:

15. Box O' Grapes
14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
13. White Trashfindel
12. Big Red Gulp
11. Grape Expectations
10. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
9. NASCARbernet
8. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
6. Blue Light Special Nun
5. Chateau des Moines
4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
1. Nasti Spumante


Divine Quality Management

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.


Southern vs. Northern College Football

Women's Accessories:

NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary - - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:

NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand offensive pass interference.

Campus Decor:

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:

NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also a physics major and Rhodes Scholar.

Cheerleaders:

NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, and gymnastic training, so you'll be ready to try out.

Heroes:

NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Urban Meyer

Getting Tickets:

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 years before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on the waiting list.

Parking:

NORTH: An hour before game time, the university opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north.

Tailgating:

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:

NORTH: You ask, "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions:

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:

NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of the people stand up. One-tenth of those know the tune, and one-tenth of those know the words. One-tenth of that number actually sings (singing on key is not required to be counted here; it's the knowledge and effort that count).
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part, in-tune, harmony with bass divisi at the end.

Commentary (Male):

NORTH: "What lousy defense!"
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle 'im and break 'is laigs!"

Commentary (Female):

NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle 'im and break 'is laigs!"

Announcers:

NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song.

After the Game:

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of college football in the South!


A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

NORTH: German Shepherd
SOUTH: Poh-leece Dawg

NORTH: Poodle
SOUTH: Circus Dawg

NORTH: St. Bernard
SOUTH: "Thank Gawd, Here Comes th' Whiskey Dawg"

NORTH: Doberman Pinscher
SOUTH: (2 versions) Bad Dawg or Dob'min Pinches

NORTH: Beagle
SOUTH: Rabbit Dawg

NORTH: Rottweiler
SOUTH (2 versions): Bad Dawg or Mean As Heck Dawg

NORTH: Yellow Lab
SOUTH: Yaller Dawg

NORTH: Black Lab
SOUTH: Duck-Fetchin' Dawg

NORTH: Greyhound
SOUTH: Greased-Lightnin' Dawg

NORTH: Malinois
SOUTH: Another kind o' Poh-leece Dawg

NORTH: Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
SOUTH: Prize Coon Dawgs

NORTH: Maltese
SOUTH: Mop Dawg

NORTH: Chinese Crested
SOUTH: Nekkid Dawg

NORTH: Dachshund
SOUTH: Wiener Dawg

NORTH: Siberian Husky
SOUTH: Sled-Pullin' Dawg

NORTH: Bouvier, Komondor
SOUTH: "What The Heck Kinda Dawg is That?"

NORTH: Great Dane, Mastiff
SOUTH: Danged BIG Dawg

NORTH: Any dog that raids the hen house
SOUTH: Egg-suckin' Dawg

NORTH: Any lazy dog
SOUTH: Good-fer-Nothin' Dawg

NORTH: Any dog that's dead and buried and gone over the Rainbow Bridge
SOUTH: Best Danged Dawg Ah Ever Had


Two Southern IQ Tests

Some of us are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb most people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? Explain.
a. A '65 Ford Fairlane
b. A '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c. A '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before all the trees are cut down?

5. If every unusable refrigerator sitting outside any dwelling in the state vented its charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the corresponding percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet, and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough-sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hounddogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house on 3.7 acres of land in a hollow, with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads in this state, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Here's another:

1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
3) Bill Dance is good at what?
4) What university does Bill Dance root for?
5) Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
6) After boiling peanuts for an hour, what do you have?
7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
8) A Cajun is likely to speak what foreign language?
9) What is a chigger?
10) What is scrapple?
11) Where is the "Redneck Riviera"?
12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, _____
14) What's the common name for a bowfin?
15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
17) What are grits made out of?
18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?
19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
20) What did the Baldwin Sisters make?
21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
22) What are the call letters of the radio station that carries "The Grand Ol' Opry"?
23) In what state would you find Vidalia, home of the famous onion?
24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
26) How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
27) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
28) What is a scuppernong?
29) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
30) Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?
31) What color is a John Deere?
32) What do you call the offspring of a mule?
33) What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?


Translations of Useful Phrases into Latin

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Sona si latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Vacca Foeda!
Stupid Cow!

Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem.
Stand aside, little people! I'm here on official business.

(At a poetry reading)
Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum.
A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.

Tuis pugis pignore!
You bet your bippy!

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum.
Only you can prevent forest fires.

Ita erat quando hic adveni.
It was that way when I got here.

Sic hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis propinquus ades.
If you can read this bumper sticker, you are very well educated and much too close.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.

Mortua lingua sola est bona.
The only good language is a dead language.


English Translations of Useful Latin Phrases

carpe diem: fish today
causus belli: gastroenteritis
sic transit gloria mundi: the illness will pass, and you'll feel fine by Monday
rara avis: no car rental available
de minimis non curat lex: Lexus dealers don't service small cars
post mortem: dead mailman
gloria in excelsis: very attractive Italian girl
hic jacet: old-fashioned coat
ecce homo: gay bar
in loco parentis: railway family compartment


Prospective Professionals' IQ Test

The following short quiz consists of 4 question and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
[This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.]

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator.

Wrong answer.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door.
[This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.]

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer: The elephant. It is in the refrigerator.
[This tests your memory.]

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting.
[This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.]

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.


Southern Football Quiz

(1) What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs?
-----Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
-----A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room?
-----Grease her hips and push like crazy.

(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
-----Pay him for the pizza.

(5) Why do the Alabama cheerleaders wear bibs?
-----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

(6) Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
-----Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) Did you hear that a Miami football player locked himself inside his car?
-----Same guy or a different guy?

(8) How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
-----None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
-----Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
-----They can wear it for the game on Saturday, for hunting on Sunday, and for picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

11) What do you say to a Florida State player in a three-piece suit?
-----"Will the defendant please rise?"

12) What do you call a drug ring in Tallahassee?
-----A huddle.

13) What do Florida and FSU students have in common?
-----They all could get admitted to FSU.

14) What's the best thing to ever come out of Tallahassee?
-----I-10.

15) A 'nole, a 'cane, and a Dawg are traveling in the same car. Who's driving?
-----The sheriff.

16) How do you keep a 'nole out of your yard?
-----Put up a goal post.

17) According to the grammar rules at FSU, what comes after a sentence?
-----The appeal. Go Gators!


Rhyming with Romance

These are entries submitted to the Washington Post, in a competition asking for a non-romantic rejoinder to the first line of a verse.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head

Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot.
This describes everything that you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for, maybe, "Go To hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


How to Grill Outside

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table, finish making the salad, check the vegetables, and make sure no one has nibbled on the dessert.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off from cooking," and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


Southern Jokes

Bubba makes a phone call: "Hello, is this here th' FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about m'neighbor, Billy Bob Smith! He is a-hidin' marijuana inside his fahrwood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir. We will investigate this right away."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, they take axes to every piece of wood, but they find no marijuana.

The next day, Bubba makes another call: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did th' FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop yor firewood?"

"Shore did! Thanks fer sendin' 'em."


An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, " 'Bout what?"


Two guys from Alabama are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, whatcha got in that thar poke?"

"Jis' some chickuns," answers the other one.

"If'n Ah guess how many they is in thar, kin Ah have one?"

"Shoot, if yuh guess right, I'll give you both of 'em!"

"Yer're on! Ummmmm...five?"


Bubba came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department, and shouted, "Hah-tail it over hee-ah! M'house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Don't you fellers still have them big red trucks?"


Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?

Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.


Lida Jane was fierce sick, and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?"

Bubba replied, "15 Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell the street name for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout Ah drag 'er over t'Oak Street, and you kin pick 'er up thar?"


Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Gerogia to 32?

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

Documentaries.


Where was the toothbrush invented?

Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.


Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.


A new law was recently passed in South Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.


What's the number one pickup line in Knoxville?
"Nice tooth!"


Aunt Thelma and Aunt Essie are walking home from church one day and spy Mary Jo. They greet her and exchange pleasantries. After Mary Jo passes on by, Aunt Thelma turns to Aunt Essie and says, "Bless her heart, she cain't help bein' ugly, but she could've stayed home."


After Bobby Bowden dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour of heaven.

He shows Bobby a little two-bedroom house with a faded and tattered FSU banner hanging from the sagging front porch. An old car is up on blocks in the front, nearly hidden by scraggly grass and tall weeds. "This is your house, Coach Bowden."

Bobby looks surprised at the meanness of the dwelling.

"Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. "You shouldn't complain."

Bobby then turns around and looks at the one sitting at top of the hill.

It's a huge mansion with white marble columns and balconies under all the windows. A huge Gator banner hangs between the marble columns. The yard is immaculate and green. The curving driveway is filled with every expensive car imaginable, and each one has a Gator license plate frame and Gator head on the rear window. Gator flags line the walkway to the front door.

"Thanks for the house, God. I understand, now, that it's an honor, but let me ask you a question. Why is that I get this broken-down house with a faded banner, but Urban Meyer gets a mansion with new Gator banners and flags flying all over the place?"

"That's not Meyer's house, Coach," God says. "That's mine."


One day, an FSU player and a Tennessee player are at a bar. The Tennessee player asks the FSU player what "FSU" means. The FSU player replies, "Florida Stomped Us."

The FSU player asks the Tennessee player what "UT" means. The UT player told him, "Us, too."


Albert Einstein goes to a party and asks people their I.Q.

One man says, "120."

Einstein says, "Great! We can talk about nuclear fission".

Then Einstein asks a woman, and she says, "110."

"Great! We can talk about gravitational redshift!"

Then he goes up to another man, and the guy responds, "51."

Einstein says, "How 'bout them 'noles."


A guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey, barkeep, did you hear the one about the FSU football team?"

Four huge men stand up and approach the guy. One of them says, "We play football at FSU. You wanna tell that joke to us?" The others growl menacingly.

The guy replies, "What? And have to explain it four times?"

Southern Horoscopes

OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20. Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have influence. Older Okras can look back over their lives and see the seeds of their influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19. Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. Chitlins can make something of themselves, however, if they're motivated and have plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20 - Mar 20. Boll weevils have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in his or her right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21 - Apr 20. You're the type who spends a lot of time on the front porch. Usually with a beer. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody whom you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or, gastric bypass surgery.

POSSUM
Apr 21 - May 21. When confronted with life's difficulties, Possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't bother me about it" attitude. Sometimes you Possums become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but it seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH
May 22 - Jun 21. Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good tails.

COLLARDS
Jun 22 - Jul 23. Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are a Collard, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
Jul 24 - Aug 23. Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: your Whiskers may cause problems for those you kiss. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 - Sep 23. Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where should you go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, this serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS
Sep 24 - Oct 23. You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - - your friends and loved ones - - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You Boiled Peanuts should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN
Oct 24 - Nov 22. People always invite a Butter Bean to their parties because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody, however, you, too, shouldn't have anything Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21. You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.


Southern Girls

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them: drinking straight out of a can...not sending thank you notes...velvet after February...white shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.

Southern girls appreciate their natural assets: dewy skin...a winning smile...big hair.

Southern girls know their manners: "Yes, ma'am"..."Yes, sir"..."Whah no, Billy Bob, Ah never!"

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions: "Y'all come back, heah?"..."Well, bless yor hawht."..."Drop by when y'can."..."How's yor muhthur?"..."Love yor hair."..."Well, shut mah mouth!"

Southern girls don't sweat. They glisten.

Southern girls know their summer weather report: humid...hot...cloudless.

Southern girls know their three Rs: rich...richer...richest.

Southern girls know their vacation spots: the beach...the beach...the beach.

Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August: summer tans...wide-brimmed hats...sun dresses.

Southern girls know everybody's first name: Honey...Darlin'...Sugah.

Southern girls know their country breakfasts: eggs over easy...grits...homemade biscuits with white cream gravy.

Southern girls know their schools: ballet...ballroom...charm.

Southern girls know their religions: Babdis...Methuhdis...football.

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm: Adlanna...Richmun...Charlstun...S'vannah...Birmin'ham...Nawlins...Muhgummry...Shawlutt...Rawleh...Nashvull...Orlanduh

Southern girls know their gentlemen: men in uniform...men in tuxedos...men in tight jeans.

Southern girls can teach any Northern girl to flirt. Here are the basics: lower yor lashes...pretend to listen to ever'thin' he's sayin'...speak reeeeeeeeeel slowly.

Southern girls know their prime real estate: the mall...the spa...the country club.

Southern girls know the three deadly sins: bad manners...bad hair...bad blind dates.

Southern girls know men may come and go, but free-enns are fo'evah!


Southern Speak

EXCLAMATIONS:

"Well, knock me down and steal m' teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"Well, Ah'll be a suck-ass mule!"

THREATS:

"Ah'll slap you so hawd, when y'all wake up, yor clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar yor preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can uh whoop-ass on ya!"

COMPLIMENTS:

"Cute as a poke fulluh puppies."

"If thangs gets any bettuh, Ah'll have to ast someone t'come ovuh an' hep me enjoy it."

"Gooder 'n grits."

THE WEATHER:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribin' th' dawgs."

"It's been hotter'n a billygoat's butt in a pepper patch."

"Them winter roads is slicker'n otter snot."

DESCRIPTIONS:

When something is bad you say, "That ain't no 'count."

If something is hard to do, you say, "It's like tryin' t' herd cats."

If someone is distancing himself from something that happened, you say, "He was runnin' lak his feet was on fahr an' his butt was catchin'."

If someone is unattractive, you say, "He dun been whumped wi' thuh ugly stick."

If someone is stupid, you say, "He's all et up wi' thuh dumb ass" or "He's dumber than a pokefulluh rocks!"

INSULTS:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"He fell out uh th' ugly tree and hit ever' branch on th' way down."

"Uglier than uh lard bucket fulluh armpits."

"Them wheels is still a-turnin', but th' hamster's daid."

"Ain't nobody seen their daddy in two weeks, an' their momma's too drunk to come to th' phone."

"Ah wouldn't even vacuum th' sheets fur th' laaks uh him!"

And finally, any insulting statement can be mitigated by following it with "bless his/her hawht." Example: "She's dumber'n a Yankee, bless her hawht." The best of all is: "She cain't hep bein' ugly, bless her hawht, but she could'uv stayed home."


Southern Ten Commandments

1. Y'all shalt allus remember y'all's manners.

2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over y'all's selves.

3. Y'all shalt not sass yor mama.

4. Y'all shalt allus wonder what yor daddy would think.

5. Y'all shalt allus talk the way y'all growed up.

6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless y'all are in a situation where y'all are expected to.

7. Y'all shalt demonstrate y'all's religious faith by the way y'all drive.

8. Y'all shalt always clean y'all's plate.

9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what y'all really thinkuv 'em.

10. Y'all shalt allus remember whar y'all come from.


Forty Things You'll Never Hear a Southerner Say

40. Oh, Ah jist couldn't. Heck, she's only sixteen!
39. Ah'll take Shakespeare fur $1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky t' catch Michael.
36. Come t' think uv it, Ah'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep no fararms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen th' sideburns trimmer?
33. Yuh cain't feed that to th' dawg.
32. Ah thought Graceland was right tacky.
31. No kids in th' back uv th' pickup! It jist ain't safe.
30. Ever'body knows that rasslin' is fake.
29. Sugah, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do yuh think m' gut is too big?
26. Ah'll have grapefruit and granola instead uh biscuits an' gravy.
25. Darlin', we don't need anothuh dawg.
24. Who th' heck is Richard Petty?
23. Give me th' small bag uh pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from th' decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. Ah jist couldn't find a thang at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim th' fat off'n that steak, sugah.
18. Cappuccino tastes better 'n espresso.
17. Th' tires on that truck are way too big.
16. Ah'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. Don'chu worry, honey. Ah've got it all backed up on th' C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Wouldja like yor fish poached or broiled?
12. Mah fiansay is registered at Tiffany's.
11. Ah've got me two cases uh Zima fur th' Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young t' be wearin' a bikini.
7. Does th' salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey! Here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen!
5. Ah don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure t' bring m' salad dressing on th' side.
3. Ah believe you cooked these green beans too long.
2. Those shorts oughta be a little longer, Patsy, honey.
1. Nope, no more fur me. Ah'm drivin' tonight.


Redneck Etiquette

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the dining table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table - - no matter how good his manners are. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Don't boast of your knowledge or wealth. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery. (They might be on the grave of a friend or relative of hers or her family and be recognized.) Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "Ah've bin wantin' t' go out with you ever since Ah read that stuff on th' men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some parents will say, "Ten p.m." Others might say, "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's your responsibility to get her to school on time. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. It's okay to bring a date to a wedding unless you are the groom. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective but also a proven fly-deterrent. For the groom, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush can be shared among close friends.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Always say, "Excuse me," after getting sick in someone else's car. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered in bad taste to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The socially-refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. It is a matter of honor always to provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Ten Commandments of Grits

1. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy grits.
2. Thou shalt not eat thy grits with a spoon.
3. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it grits, for this is blasphemy.
4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's grits.
5. Thou shalt not use anything but salt, butter, and cheese as toppings for thy grits.
6. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
7. Thou shalt not make thy grits in the microwave.
8. Thou shalt not throw away left-over grits, but slice and fry them for another meal.
9. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy grits.
10. Thou shalt not put sugar on thy grits, either.

Hamlet's Cat Soliloquy

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains upon those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

~Shakespaw~

Notice to the Curious

Achtung! Diese machine is nicht fur Gerfingerpoken und Mittengraben. Ist easy schnappen der Springenwerk, blowenfusen, und poppencorken mit Spitzernsparken. Ist nicht fur gerweken by die Dummkopfen. Die rubbernecken Sightseeren keep Hands in die Pockets. Relaxen und watch der Blinkenlights.

Hebonics

The New York City Board of Education has officially declared Jewish English - - now dubbed "Hebonics" - - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of American culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question - - plus a complaint that is implied or stated.

"Thus, 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my feet?' "

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with sh or shm at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus, the response to a remark such as, "He's as slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "All right, already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me. I wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter? You don't like the other ties I gave you?"

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "So she could stand to gain a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer : "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out. What else is new?"

Answering a long-awaited phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a while since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

Laundry in a Mixed Marriage

In a classic 'house divided' situation, a Gator married a 'nole.

One day, the 'nole was inspired to do the laundry. "What setting do I use on the washing machine? Hot? Cold?"

"It depends," replied the Gator. "What does it say on your shirt?"

Quite put out that the Gator apparently couldn't read, the 'nole yelled back, "Half-Ass U."

You Know You Live in ....

You live in Arizona when....

1.You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your backside from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You Live in California when....

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when....

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4 You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when....

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when....

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Ray, Ricky Lee, Mary June, Helen Melva, Jimmy James, etc.

You live in Colorado when....

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center, not the grocery store.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when....

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when....

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Floridians' Prayer

Bless this house, o, Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls, where termites dine
While ants and roaches march in time.

Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks, and fleas.

Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In FLORIDA, Lord, you've put them all!

But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So, thank you, Lord, for insect spray.

How You Know it's July in Florida

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!

The temperature drops below 95, and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.


Ordering Breakfast in New York City

[Read this read aloud.]

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry. I thought I dialed room service."

RS: "Rye ... Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like to order some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "Sahn toes. July sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ok, ow bow anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad!?"

G: "I mean 'butter'...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tee...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please. That's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G: "You're very welcome."

Warranty Card On Purchased Government Official™

Dear Special Interest,

  Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official™. With regular maintenance your Government Official™ should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation, and other fine services.

  Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.  

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

  __ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify) __ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

      2. How did you hear about yourGovernment Official™? (Please check all that apply.)

  __ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Former crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fund-raiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.

      3. How do you expect to use your Government Official™? (Please check all that apply.)

  __ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors / targets for future conquest.
 __ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse. __ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental exploiters / capitalist pigs.  

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)

  __ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
__ Price.
__ Appearance.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official™.
__ Actual beliefs of Government Official™.
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
__ Celebrity endorsement.

      5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently-owned Government Official™?

__ Yes.
__ No.

  If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

  __ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model.
__ Dead.
__ Senile.
__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Out-bribed by competing interest.

      Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember that in choosing a genuine Government Official™, you have chosen the best politician that money can buy.

An Essay on Southern Speech

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, Bless her heart or Bless his heart. As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the floor, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted Northern friend, who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk, and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had chosen to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you believe it?" she said. "A child of mine is going to be tawkin lak thee-issss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. This is absolutely not true! There are biscuits (including beaten biscuits), cornbread, spoon bread, hush puppies, Sally Lunn, Johnnycake, Aunt Maudie's biscuits, Sister's peecan muffins, and white cornmeal hoecake, to name but a few.

Northerners can't even imagine what grits are, as shocking as that may seem! (I've seen a Yankee eat grits in a bowl with cream and sugar! If you should happen to see something like this, it's best to be silent, as they don't know any better.)

Chicken, rabbit, squirrel, 'possum, pies, cakes, and Jell-O salads with cream cheese and crushed pineapple - - all Southern culinary luminaries - - are not covered here, in the interest of space.

I swanee, Yankees have a fer piece to go when it comes to Southern food (though many of us do not like our green beans balled until they're gray, bacon or no bacon).

Northerners are often familiar with y'all. Only the long-time Yankee residents know the subtleties of y'all two and all y'all, however. Sometimes, they try to use these advanced forms but fail utterly. Bless their hearts. We need to remember they are trying.

I was raised to say swanee, not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee, you don't. Some Southern girls use swan, which is a more efficient form because it only has one syllable - - not that efficiency is a well-prized trait in the South. If it were, our vowels would take as little time to say as they do up North.

I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is right close, right handy, right tasty, or right good because non-natives think this is right funny.

And then there is rain. Spittin' is not much rain at all. Comin' down right pert means it's raining hard enough that you'd want to open your umbrella and wish you hadn't just had your hair done - - and that the stylist hadn't used so much hairspray. A frog choker is what a Northerner would call a downpour. Just so you know. It rains right often in the South, and one needs to know how to describe it to one's mama before leaving for Sunday services, in case she needs to take her umbrella. (Speaking of which, Easter is properly called Resurrection Day.)

I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to carry my daughter to the doctor or cut off the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am fixin' to do something. Yankees don't even know where over yonder is or what I reckon means, bless their hearts. Maybe all y'all'd better bless them twice over this one.

There are many ways to bless someone's heart, but here is the all-time favorite: Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home.

Installing a Southern Home Security System

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 14-16.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo and your NRA magazines. If you can find these at a used book store, looked for well-thumbed copies.
3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.
4. Tape a note on your front door that reads: "Hey, Bubba! Jimmy Bob, Slim, Tiny, and me went for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pitbulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up purty bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but I locked all four of them in the house. Better wait outside."

Southern Field Sobriety Test

Things That are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Things That are Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Things That are Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:

Pet Diaries

THE DOG -

8:00 am - Breakfast! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Getting a belly rub! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Playing in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Napping in the sun! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Treats! My favorite things!

6:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Playing ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watching TV with my people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

THE CAT -

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of, however, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. I could hear the noises and smell the food, however. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously lacking in mental acuity.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...


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marbeth@marthabeth.com

Last updated May 31, 2008.